Arthur woke up and realized it was Monday. He knew it was time for him to put his brain in the refrigerator for the week. It didn’t matter. He was heading to the train for a job that he loathed. Sadly, everyone in his office was brain dead.
He got in early. Way too early. But it helped him. All the idiots he worked with started to stroll in. It was funny. He worked with such dumb people. Some were nice. Unfortunately, none had any real business experience and they’ve been working in the same poorly managed place most of their lives. Many of them have never been anywhere else. Yet, they think they are such worldly liberated people. Funny. It was too funny.
Arthur worked for a non-profit trade association. It was a miserable place to be. But thanks to the Clinton and Bush administrations, our nation was in an economic downfall. Clinton was a terrible president. But at the end of his term the economy started to drop. Once Bush came in it plummeted and he failed to address it.
Good ‘ole Arthur was used to working in messed up places. But this place took the cake. The immaturity and inexperience of his colleagues overwhelmed him. They were all clueless. If the place were on the market it would have been delisted many moons ago.
Arthur fiddled around on his PC. It took way too long for the computer to boot. His office has the worst network known to man.
Most say the place is 20 years out of date with reality. In Arthur’s mind it is a million years out of date and should have never been founded.
Eventually, Cami walked in. She’s brain dead too. In fact, she’s been brain dead for 2 years longer than Arthur. Of course, their joke is that they know they are brain dead. The rest of their pathetic colleagues, think they are changing the shape of the world. What a hoot.
Cami was a nice person, well dressed, sweet and smart. She’ sort of Angelina Joliesque. Or at the least, she’s loves Angelina. Who doesn’t’? They chat a few times a day, about how dumb the people they work with are.
Arthur, however, is a special case. All the women he falls in love with are mental patients. They are all on meds. But when it comes to meds, it doesn’t mean the standard, Paxil, Zoloft or Lexapro. Those are basically over the counter meds, not any different than Advil. The girls he loved were on hard psychotic drugs. Many spent times in mental institutions. Some of them caused lock downs and had to be put in the solitary confinement rooms.
Why Arthur liked these women, no one could understand. But Arthur was a strange bird. All of these women usually shared the same name, Jennifer. Yup, there is not a Jennifer out there that’s normal in the mind of Arthur or his buddy, Ted. He’s Arthur’s Yoda. But by this time, Arthur was more attuned to the Dark Side.
Arthur’s dream woman is Drew Barrymore. He loved Angelina Jolie too. All he wanted was to find a nice girl and not be brain dead.
Cami was sitting at her desk staring into space. Having spent 4 plus years in this hellhole, she was more like a zombie, than a human being. Arthur walked over to say hi. As usual Cami was depressed. The only thing that kept he going was her dog, a foreign language class and her faith that some day she’d get out. They were lofty dreams. The two of them made fun of the idiots at work and chatted about the latest movie or argued politics for a moment or two.
Cami is a bleeding heart liberal. Arthur is conservative. However, he hates W and is pissed that his beloved GOP was destroyed by the radical religious right. Those brain dead people have no understanding of the U.S. Constitution or anything. Sadly, they controlled too much. Bring back the cool republicans like D’Amato, Rockefeller, Ike, Jefferson and Lincoln. Arthur did love Regan. He helped him and the world in too many ways to list.
Cami and Arthur finished their conversation. Arthur went back to his desk and answered emails sent from the morons he worked with. That was his life. He was busy looking for a new girl. He was hoping to find a normal one.
The next few weeks went on and on. Nothing changed. Arthur was still single and brain dead. He piddled away with the jerks he was stuck with. Cami was still a zombie. She took care of her dog and went home to her husband, Fred. Despite that she’s brain dead. She did fine. You see when you left the office your brain was put back into your head. Weekends were fun. The brain was at full throttle.
One needs to remember only Cami and Arthur had their brains reinserted when they departed the office. The rest of the people were brain dead for life.
Arthur came in one day and looked for Cami. She was not at her desk. He hiked over to her friend, tacey’s desk. She was brain dead, too. Stacye was part of the coven with Arthur and Cami. Nice lady. According to Stacey, Cami was taken away. She was put into a mental institute. Stacey didn’t have many details. But it seemed that Cami zoned out in a restaurant and went batty.
From what Stacey heard, Cami was seated with friends and when the food came out, she started screaming at the hamburger. She was yelling about her love of blood. She then started jumping up and down and then fell into a trance. She was cuffed to a gurney and put into a strait jacket.
Upon arrival to the mental hospital, she was put in solitary confinement in a padded room. She wore a pink and purple Mumu with yellow flowers. Her shoes and socks did not match.
They gave her a sketch pad and crayons. All she drew was blood. She wanted Fred, her husband to bring her dog. He tried, but they made him keep Henrietta in the car. Dogs are not allowed in the facility. Cami and the others might have attacked and ate it. But boy does Cami love Henrietta.
Arthur was sad, but ecstatic. He would visit her. This would be his connection to a new girlfriend. Cami would help him meet new crazies. You see Arthur had come to realize he’d never find a nice normal girl. He was too warped and the crazies suited him just fine.
Stacey and Arthur chatted about poor Cami. They were going to visit her. Stacey emailed, Fred to see if we were allowed to visit. They didn’t know if she was in solitary confinement and was barred from seeing friends and family.
Fred said her situation was very delicate. However, she was allowed visitors. He told Stacey the visitation hours.
Stacey and Arthur hopped on the subway to the mental hospital. They didn’t bring anything. They weren’t sure if they’d be allowed to give her stuff. But they brought their support.
Arthur was very excited. He’d never been to a mental hospital. He thought for sure he’d find the girl of his dreams. He figured he’d use Cami’s situation to help him.
The two strolled into the mental hospital and went through security. An aide walked them up to the recreation room. Cami was sitting on a futon watching TV. She was drugged up and waving her arms. Her eyes were bloodshot. Apparently, she wasn’t sleeping much. She howled at the moon during the evening. At least, she thought was looking at the moon. It was the light in her room. Cami howled at it for hours. Eventually she passes out and curls herself into a ball and falls asleep.
Her friends thought it was weird that she howled at the moon. In her normal life, she claimed to be a vampire. Or at least was obsessed with them.
Prior to beginning their conversation with Cami, Stacey and Arthur were warned not to ask her about the incident that brought her to the hospital. She’d just tell some type of nutty story.
Arthur walked right up to Cami and started talking to her. Stacey flipped open her phone and showed her pictures of her dogs. Cami smiled. Arthur felt sorry for Cami. She’s such a nice, good person and now she’s in the loony bin. Of course, he asked her for a run down of the single women that might fit what he’s looking for in a girlfriend.
Cami smiled at Arthur when he asked about the single women in the nut hospital. He noticed a cute girl, about 35 years old, sitting against the wall and bouncing up and down, while moving her arms as she was doing the butterfly stroke.
“Figures you’d notice, Marni,” exclaimed Cami. Arthur smiled. He asked Cami what her deal was. Cami explained she was just plain nutty. She used to take trains and freak out on them. She often checked herself into the ER after taking a subway ride. Arthur was excited. Then he saw another cutie hopping around the room, while singing Frank Sinatra songs. She did it her way. LOL.
Naturally, he asked about her too. Cami explained the deal with Sarah. She’s been in the ward for about 2 years. Rumor has it she may be discharged within the next 90 days. She was brought here after she was swinging around on the ropes in the gym at the high school she taught in. She was a social studies teacher, not a gym teacher. Apparently, she just waltzed into the gym during a championship basketball game and started climbing the ropes in her gym clothes. Most people thought it was funny and smiled. They were pleased she was wearing the school gym t-shirt and shorts. But the game had to be delayed and the team was just seconds away from being the state champs.
Sarah swung around on the ropes and made monkey faces. She started to sing, R.E.M., the Cure, Duran Duran, Pearl Jam and Pink Floyd songs. The head gym teacher, who was the coach of the basketball team climbed up on the adjoining ropes and talked her down. But before she would climb down, she belted out, “It’s the End of the World as we Know It. “
There were police officers waiting for her when she finally reached the gym floor. After about 15 minutes the teams resumed play and Sarah’s school became the champions. Sadly, Sarah was in an ambulance hand cuffed to a gurney and was unable to sing, “We are the Champions. “ She arrived at the crazy house and was desperate to watch the NY 1 report on her shenanigans.
She was not able to watch TV for a few days. They did some testing on her and was placed in solitary confinement in a lock down room for her first week.
Arthur was intrigued. He and Stacey spent their allowed time with Cami and were escorted out by Jocelyn, the patient care technician. Cami promised to learn more for Arthur and told him to come back in about a week or two.
Arthur spent the next two weeks plugging along at is waste of a job. Boy did he work with the dumbest of the dumb. He taught some of them how to use Google, Excel and other products that have been around for years.
He was trying to hook up with a normal girl. But she never wrote back to him. They had met at a volunteer center. Arthur thought her lack of response was a sign that he needed to stay with the crazies. Of course, during Rosh Hashanah, Arthur decided that they weren’t nuts. They were all just people and needed to be respected.
But how did that fit in with his hatred of his co-workers. He figured those people thought they were so high and mighty and that made them screwed up. He started to believe there are those with a chemical imbalance and the screw ups.
Stacey chatted with Cami’s husband. Nothing new. She still howled at the moon. She still had a thirst for blood. Apparently she grew up with a strange obsession for vampires. They increased her meds and she was doing group and individual therapy sessions.
Arthur planned on spending the weekend in the hospital. He’d visit Cami and try to hook up with Marni or Sarah. He fantasized that Sarah was a cute, sweet, simple girl. However, she would go crazy when they dated and flip out over Rice Krispie treats or trains. Marni would be a wack from the get go. Arthur would be in all his glory.
He waltzed into the psych ward. There was Cami sitting in the recreation room. She had been kept in solitary for the last two days. But she started to behave. She caused a lock down, when she was dancing on a chair and pulling her unwashed hair. She was singing Britney Spears songs. When the staff heard that they ordered a lockdown. Anyone singing Spears’ songs needed to be in the mental hospital. To make it worse Cami chose to sing “Hit me Baby.”
Of course, Cami liked rock and it really showed that she was brain dead when she was singing those songs. They were making her brush her teeth. She had refused to do so for days. She would try and squish food between her teeth and hoped it would stick to her gums.
Arthur ran right up to Cami and said, hi. She smiled back at him. Unfortunately, she was so medicated she wasn’t able to talk that well. So he wrote notes to her on and she wrote back in Crayon. She wasn’t allowed to have a pen or pencil. She’d use it as a weapon.
Naturally, Arthur asked her about Marni and Sarah. However, at this point he wondered how much he could trust her judgment. But he figured what the hell, he probably won’t lose anymore than usual.
Cami said, Marni and Sarah are interesting women. One thinks she’s Dutch even though she’s Israeli, Polish and Greek. Sarah doesn’t know what she thinks she is. She’s just off the wall. Arthur asked Cami how he should approach them to see if they’d be interested in dating him.
Cami said go up to them when they are watching TV and make some comments about the show. The two women will most likely react in some fashion.
They were watching the “Golden Girls.” Arthur was not pleased about that, but he knew he had to get in there. Marni and Sarah started screaming at the TV. As they were ranting, Arthur started telling jokes about the show. They looked at him and smiled. He knew he was in.
Marni jumped on top of him. Sarah got pissed when she saw that and lunged at Marni who was trying to kiss Arthur. Cami was watching. She did not understand what was going on.
But she was dressed interestingly. She changed out of her Mumu and wrapped herself in saran wrap. She made a hat out of Reynolds Wrap. She took vegetables and put them all over her eyes.
Marni and Sarah were now fighting over Arthur. He was lying on the floor. That’s where he landed after the two girls went after each other.
Cami was crying. She was annoyed that the tomatoes that she pasted all over her body was starting to rot. She belted out she was going to plaster zucchini all over herself next. She pulled her unwashed hair. She was trying to cut herself with a plastic knife and fork. She was screaming how she wanted to make the place a bloody mess and suck blood from all the patients.
While this was happening, Arthur was alternating locking lips with Marni and Sarah. He was in heaven. The two girls were aggressively kissing him, while beating each other up.
Cami began biting patients. As she was biting people, Arthur snuck off to the room where they do shock treatment with Marni and Sarah. The two girls jumped onto the shock treatment beds and demanded Arthur to shock them.
He obliged. The girl’s eyes glistened and Arthur smiled as they begged for more. Meanwhile, Cami was trying to bite the religious freak. This girl spoke only in prayer. She started quoting verses from many religions, even the ancient Greeks. Cami yelled at her for idol worship. She bit her harder.
The other two finished their shock treatment and were jumped up and down. Arthur thought it would calm them down or turn them into zombies. However, Marni and Sarah turned into crazier girls. Arthur was thrilled.
Fred came to visit Cami. Of course, she was placed in solitary confinement and was in a strait jacket. She was escorted to the bathroom and was fed by a patient care technician. They made her wear real clothes. Her Mumu and outfits made out of fruit and veggies no longer cut it.
Fred brought her flowers and candy. The PCT had to trim the flowers. They let her smell them and placed them in a plastic vase. Glass wasn’t allowed in her room. In fact, she wasn’t allowed to touch anything with glass. They knew she’d bash it on someone to get blood.
The psychiatrist sat down with Fred and said she’d be in for a while. In about 4 weeks they may let her out of lockdown. It was dependent upon how well she adjusted to her new meds.
On the other hand, Marni was doing well. Sarah was still batty.
Weeks went on. Arthur was getting closer to Marni. Sarah was still in the picture, but she was having trouble. She thought she was a dog. She was put into special therapy sessions.
Cami was doing real well. She adjusted to her meds. She was still into blood. But she controlled herself better. Fred bought her a brand new pair of jeans and a sweater from Lacoste. She happily wore her new clothes. She ditched the Mumu and saran wrap. She even stopped playing dress up with fruit. Her shrink, Dr. Nimin was pleased.
Cami was even allowed to sit outside in the recreation area and pet Henrietta and feed her. She didn’t even try to eat her dog. She cuddled up with her and smiled.
Cami thinks she discovered, since she was out of that hellhole that employed her, that she had a brain. She was getting disability pay. Of course, she thought they all should be getting paid in that manner. The place she and Arthur worked in was such a joke.
Dr. Nimin realized that she would never be stable enough to return. He did do his research on that place and realized that Cami may have been right, about being brain dead.
Cami was being kind to her fellow patients. She even sat with the religious freak and prayed. No one ever figured out what religion they were following. But it kept them calm. So no one tried to stop them.
Arthur and Marni were seeing each other regularly. He was allowed to sit with her in the recreation area. He brought her candy and flowers. He dreamed of sharing a bottle of wine with her. Of course he knew that was off limits. Therefore, they drunk 7-Up.
Dr. Nimin and Fred met to discuss Cami’s progress. The good doctor asked Fred how he felt about her working for him. Fred was flabbergasted. Dr. Nimin said she was doing so well and was fearful if she went back to her job she’d flip out and be institutionalized for life.
The deal was she would help by befriending new clients and show them around. She could talk to them from a client’s point of view. At the same time she would be under constant evaluation. Pay was minimal. However, she got free room and board. Best of all meds were free.
They had a special cabin for her and Fred to live in the campus of the mental institute. Fred would go about his regular job and instead of going home to the apartment he and Cami rented, he’d come home to her on the grounds of the hospital.
Fred agreed. He wanted to be back with his wife. Maybe one day they would have children. Dr. Nimin showed Cami and Fred their new cabin. They both smiled.
As for Arthur and Marni, well was another story. They were doing well. Marni’s parents loved him and hoped she’d get out and they could wed. Sarah was still acting like a dog and the religious freak was holding weekly prayer sessions for all.